The last time I did a 10-day Vipassana silent meditation retreat was 12 years ago, after I had broken an engagement with a wonderful man. I was lost and confused about what I had wanted to do after essentially disappointing a person who loved me so much. But I knew it was the right thing to do as I knew we did not want the same things.
Earlier this month, I did another Vipassana 10-day silent meditation retreat, to restabilize my emotions after I had been left suddenly by a sweet human. Although I am greatly disappointed with how he left me, I understand the reasons that he left me. It was not because he was a bad person, nor was I a bad person or was it because of the stars, the moon or mercury retrograde.
I realized that the reason this relationship fell apart was the same reason all the other things in my life thus far have not worked out. I was not in integrity with myself. Because I was not in integrity with myself, I found myself being swept into other agendas that were not mine and then eventually losing myself. I found myself staying in toxic situations for much too long, out of loyalty, out of security. I was scared to be alone. I was co-dependent on others for so many things - for my sense of safety, for my sense of identity, for my sense of security.
I had sacrificed my integrity to belong, to fit in, to be accepted, to be safe. But after a certain amount of time, when I was emotionally running on empty and I could no longer sacrifice anymore, I would run away and then the cycle would continue to repeat itself on the new friends and in the new places I would run away to. What I was running away from was ultimately myself, and that is just simply, impossible. So now, instead of being upset for being left, I am thankful, and even grateful, to be given this space to fully and unapologetically reconnect with myself.
It's not at all easy to be in a silent meditation retreat for 10 days. I spent the first two days of it thinking it was a mistake and trying to leave. And then on Day 5 when I finally accepted that I was doing this for my mental health and finally committed emotionally to the strict meditation schedule rather than run away from it, I settled into the discomfort of being by myself and my thoughts.
Eventually, I became comfortable with the discomfort of all of my opposing and contradicting thoughts, the varied levels of emotions - the sadness, the anger, the joy, the songs, the business plans, the anxieties that flowed through my mind during those 10 days. It was absolutely exhausting to ride through those emotional waves and I longed more and more to detach from them - which was the entire point of the meditation.
Detach yourself from your emotions and thoughts, focus on your sensations, detach yourself from the pain of your sensations and focus on being physically present, detach yourself from any thoughts about the past as well as the future. Focus, focus on the present. The present is ever changing and that is the reality and truth of our existence. The point here is not to see life through the lens of an optimist nor of a pessimist, but of a realist.
And here's what the realist in me realized over the 10 days of isolation and meditation:
I am easily distracted (especially by other people!) and I need to focus. I can only achieve my goals if I am not distracted, therefore I have to get much better at focusing!
I love my own company and I find true joy when I am writing. The whole world can be falling apart and if I'm working on a screenplay or manuscript or even a blog post, I am still in bliss. The joy that is accessed in my heart and soul through my writing is unmatched. This is my calling and I am taking steps to do more of it.
- I am finishing up my screenplay and I'm looking for a place where I can buckle down and write and also any writing fellowships where I can work on my writing. If anyone knows of any artist retreats or any quiet places (hopefully in nature) that would host a writer, please do let me know.
- I have also started working on my book again! I know several of my friends are published authors and I would love any advice or leads on how to get my book published or how to pitch and also get an advance from a publisher.
- I will also try my hand at standup at an open mic! To help with my writing, of course! I never had the calling to do this before, but I see now how it can be useful. If anyone knows of any open mics that I can participate in, please let me know.
I also love encouraging and inspiring other people to heal themselves and I will continue to do this in everything I do in my life, through my writing and also through my travel business.
- I am expanding my travel business to focus on spiritual, mindful and wellness-focused group trips and I will have some exciting adventures announced soon!
Prior to the retreat, I felt like I was reacting to events happening in my life instead of intentionally and mindfully acting. Now, I feel more emotionally balanced and able to make better decisions in my life. I feel amazing and excited about the future. I completely trust that things will work out the way they are supposed to and that the universe has my back. Definitely need to make a 10-day Vipassana silent meditation retreat a yearly ritual.
I also realize that all the people who come into my life are a mirror, reflecting what I need to heal. Thank you everyone for all the joy, as well as all the pain. I am grateful for the growth. In the end, we are all each others’ angels.
Vipassana Meditation Dhamma.org
